Waiting...

If you find yourself 

Waiting...

For this time to pass

For when we’ll get back

To normal

Or “new normal,”

If you find yourself 

Saying that this is only temporary,

This too shall pass,

Just make it through

Until then.

Remember that now IS the time

Only now.

This moment

Is just as much your life

As the one you had before 

And the one you’re waiting for

So what would you do now?

What would you do today,

YES, 

In these very conditions,

To make this life

Your best life?

There, here, now, you will find yourself.

- - - - - - - - - - - 

It is incredibly important to know that things will continue to change and that we will return to something more familiar to the bits and pieces, places and people, routines and habits that made up our previous life. There’s hope in that vision.

But it’s equally, if not more, important to remember that the time is now. Now is now. There is hope, presently.

I’ve been realizing that I’ve sort of hit this weird pause button on life (necessarily) that has kept me from fully dropping in and owning some of the pieces of my life - mostly the bits that I’m having the most resistance to being as they are - different than I want them to be.

But I shifted recently, after some serious heaviness lifted, in recognition that I was putting on hold things that bring me joy, fulfillment, and happiness.

Today, it was a semi-planned but mostly spontaneous day trip with my family out to the York River to play in the sand, find treasures, and have a windy, chilly picnic lunch.

And also making the time for a phone call with a friend while baking two, from-scratch, crazy birthday cakes for my twins who turn 9 tomorrow.

There is so much that is hard and tragic and strained and intense right now. And there’s also love and happiness and connection and softness and life, in all of its forms.

What can you do to make now the best it can be? To make now joyful? To make now sweet? To make now softer and more connected?

The Potential of Constraints

I don’t know about you all but, along with paying attention to how this pandemic continues to unfold and impact the heath, wellbeing and livelihood of so many, I’ve been paying close attention to what I’m discovering about myself, my life, and the world right now. And I have discovered a sense of purpose that I’ve never felt before and it feels like fire - like bright, forward moving energy: my purpose is to usher in the next era of a conscious humankind; to help as many people as possible to recognize the truth of their experiences, to identify who they will choose to be and what they will choose bring along (and, perhaps more importantly, what parts of themselves they will leave behind). 

About 4 years ago, I wrote a blog post about life’s difficult experiences being like a giant strainer - if we let it - filtering out that what matters and that what doesn’t. That analogy keeps coming back to me, day after day, week after week during this global pandemic. And I think it’s absolutely as true now as it was then.

In our current reality, and in the very best case scenario, we are experiencing tremendous constraints - we can’t go anywhere, we can’t see or physically be near people we love (or, heck, even those we feel neutrally or negatively about!), we can’t do many of the things we enjoy and depend on for entertainment and fulfillment.

My brother, who is an amazing high school English Teacher, Varsity Soccer Coach, and fellow Truth Seeker, recently explained a soccer coaching technique that he utilizes from the book, Nonlinear Pedagogy in Skill Acquisition, called “Ecological Dynamics.” In Ecological Dynamics, “the environment created in which skills are discovered by the participants, or emerge naturally…. Constraints allow for environments to be limited so specific skills emerge as a result.” 

As he described this to me, I had one of my head-exploding-dot-connecting moments that I love so very much - constraints have the capacity to paralyze us or make us grow (or paralyze us until there’s nothing to do but grow!) Constraints don’t keep us from what we want to achieve/do/be, the constraints force us to figure it out, to pave our own path from a totally different place - a much more intuitive and creative place, one that is much more closely aligned with our truest self. Constraints don’t lack potential, they ARE potential. 

We must pay attention NOW, during these times of heavy constraint on many levels. We must deeply understand our experiences now, record them, make sense of them, so that THEN, when the pull to go back to things as they were, we can tether ourselves more securely to our truth, to what feels like an aligned life, a fulfilled and enriched life.

I was certified as a Life Coach by Martha Beck - lovingly referred to by many as “the original Life Coach.” In her coaching methodology, the Change Cycle begins in “Square 1” (picture a 4-squared window pane) - when we find ourselves wanting change, wishing to feel different, but we are unable to see a path forward. In part, that’s because it’s entirely unknown. It’s also because we only know the “self” that we’ve always been - a limited and conditioned version of ourselves.

In Square 1, we have to see the old self (who maybe still feels like our current self that we are desperately trying to hold onto), our old ways and know how those experiences made us feel. We also must begin to dismantle that old self so that there is space for a new self, for new ways of being in and in relationship to the world. This is usually an uncomfortable (even painful) process of dissolving, of letting go. But it’s guided by a wish that is stronger than the fear of the unknown. 

This is the place we must start if we are to even begin to envision or imagine the life we really want. When we are wide open to imagining because we aren’t limited by “shoulds” and habits and old identities. 

This whole global pandemic experience has launched most of us into the space between Squares 1 & 2 - the limitations and constraints to the life we’ve always lived have been placed upon us in a swift and intense way. And we have, therefore, been forced to let go of so much that had previously defined us. Not an easy or painless process but if we allow these changes to change us, to dissolve the parts it’s attempting to dissolve, what’s left is more space. In that space, we have the potential to discover and rediscover so much:

• We are noticing what we deeply and honestly miss (and what we don’t at all!)

• We are noticing a depth and richness to life, to what we see, what we are experiencing, to our relationships

• We are seeing the immense value of connectivity and how to access it even “from a distance”

• We are learning new ways of being and moving and doing

• (If we didn’t before) We are appreciating nature and the healing spaciousness that being outdoors provides 

• We are flexing and stretching and growing into new versions of ourselves

I was talking with a dear friend the other day and I said, “I have so much hope for the world - for our humanity and for our earth - for the potential of this global crisis to wake us up to the precious gift of life on this earth and to show us what really matters - how to live with respect for the earth and for one another and how to be deeply fulfilled by so much less, materialistically, and so much more, emotionally, spiritually and energetically. But I also think that the nature of this massive catastrophe has to either last for such a long time that we forget our old ways OR that we have just enough time to so deeply love our new ways that we are unwilling to go back....”

I hope that we can all pay so much attention right now to the newness - to what we are discovering - so that we fall in love with a new way of being. The time will pass, the world will “reopen” and SO MUCH will invite us right back to where we were. So we need to be conscious now and conscious then, as we choose how to be in relationship to each other and the earth.

Live it —> Know it —> Choose it —> Live it

Who is Your Everyone?

We all have an “Everyone.”

They’re the ones who pop up when we begin to imagine that we can be something different than we’ve been, do something different than we’ve done, live like the version of ourselves that we’ve always known, deep down inside (or maybe just discovering!) we are. Our Everyone direct us, tell us what to do, how to dress, how to “act,” how to feel about ourselves... They communicate, mostly in a quiet, almost un-noticed way and they are very, very passive aggressive!

Here are a few examples of how your Everyone communicates to you:
>> Everyone will think I’m crazy...

>> Everyone will think I’m too much...

>> Everyone will say “who do you think you are?”

>> Everyone will laugh...

>> Everyone will question my ability/capacity/choice/joy/authenticity

>>Everyone will hate me

I recently facilitated a workshop for the Rebelle Community (if you’re not a member, you should seriously consider joining - it’s an amazing community of womxn who are driven to define and design their lives in a more intentional way). We explored two of my most frequently used and powerful coaching tools that utilize the body and mind to create a vision for the future life you want to design. It’s a particularly fun and exciting part of the coaching process because it allows clients to move from what they think is possible (which is often a narrower and more limited version) to a much bigger, broader vision that includes things they previously thought were impossible.

The byproduct of these exercises, though, is that we come back to our current reality and almost automatically think, “well, that’ll never happen” or “that’s not possible.” And those thoughts are almost always hand-in-hand with our Everyone.

But who are we actually thinking of when we say Everyone?

For most of us, we can count 3 maybe 4 people who make up our Everyone. And when we can see that we are giving those few people the power of EVERYONE over us, we have the opportunity take our power back and to start making choices based off of what we want/know is right for ourselves... not what we imagine our Everyone will think.

After the workshop, one awesome woman came up to me and said, “everything changed for me the moment you asked us that question because I immediately saw that my Everyone was this one guy in middle school who was always mean to me!” Literally one mean, lame dude in MIDDLE SCHOOL has been unconsciously dictating this woman’s choices for years and years. But not now... not anymore. Upon identifying that, she took her power back.

So, who is your Everyone? Who are you unconsciously allowing to choose for you, to hold you back, to push you down and make you small? See them and send them on their way... 👋🏽

It's Only a Problem If It's a Pattern

If I told you that in order to change any problem (“problem” being defined as something that’s holding you back or creating disruption in your life) all you need are three things, would you believe me?

Backstory: I’m currently training for a half marathon (more on that later). Included in the training program are a few clinics including injury prevention, proper nutrition, and one that I knew I’d totally geek out with: mental strategy.

I was excited to see what this was all about -- not just for how it could support my running but, always and forever being the dot-connector that I am, how it might also enhance and support my work with my clients. Since, in all honesty, most of my coaching revolves around mental strategy or thought work, about seeing what’s hindering us and then understanding how to use our minds in ways that can support us in achieving our goals of living lives that feel like the ones we want to be living.

The presenter of this particular clinic was a man by the name of Michael Cerreto, a Cognitive Rehabilitation Therapist and Sports & Performing Arts Psychology Counselor here in Richmond. He touched on the various mental barriers that can arise when taking on a challenge like this and he offered several great strategies to help us overcome those things and work with ourselves throughout the process.

But it was what he said at the very end that blew my mind open in a million directions and has stayed with me (and, of course, ended up in every one of my coaching sessions since). This one succinct and direct statement pulled together so much of what I’ve learned in all of my avenues of work and practice and life: it’s only a problem if it’s a pattern.

Let me repeat that again to let it sink in… It’s only a problem if it’s a pattern.

The pattern is what creates ruts. The pattern creates the experience of being blocked, stuck, trapped, unable to change. The pattern becomes the problem. When followed, the pattern disempowers. When unexamined the pattern seems like the truth. But it isn’t…

In order to break the pattern we must disrupt the pattern which happens when we choose to do (or think) something different than whatever the pattern would have us do.

This, my friends, is everything.

Seriously.

So, here are the three things this “un-patterning” needs:  

1. Awareness - in order to see the pattern and that you’re in it

2. Ability to choose - something other than what the pattern would have you choose

3. Repetition - the willingness/courage/patience to do that over and over again until the pattern is undone

I know this seems quite simple (and really, as a process, it actually is). But just because it’s simple doesn’t mean it’s easy. The undoing of patterns (especially super old, super deep, super unconscious ones) requires work. It takes repetition over time. In fact, it can take LOTS of repetition over LOTS of time for the pattern to become completely undone.

I promise you, however, that each and every time you take those first two steps (seeing the pattern and choosing differently), you are changing. You are growing. You are evolving. You are shifting from impossible to possible.

So get curious, friends, and stay curious. Where are you feeling stuck? And can you see what you’re telling yourself? And when you’re telling yourself that story? Look for the pattern and then get to work.

My {rocky, wobbly, crooked} Path Towards Truth

I don’t think of myself as a private person. In fact, if you ask me anything, I’m quite open and honest about myself and my life. But I don’t usually put stuff out there, unsolicited. I’ve always been shy like that.

This past week, however, has brought forward several people, soliciting my advice, wisdom, knowledge, guidance around some of the heavier things of life: intense anxiety, spiraling thinking, complete depletion, the physical costs of intense emotional and mental turmoil. With each connection, I’ve shared a bit more about myself and my history.

I’ve been a Truth seeker since before adulthood. As a result of my personal experiences, I’ve made it my life’s mission to support people in living lives in which their inner and outer selves feel equally heard, balanced, and valued; lives in which there is less suffering, less doubt, less fear; lives in which there is more clarity and connection to the things they value most.

I didn’t land here unscathed and it certainly wasn’t an easy ride. I’ve worked my way here for easily over half of my life. Sometimes I’m surprised I even landed here at all. So, as individuals have trusted me with their experiences of suffering, I am compelled to trust you with my own.

In my late pre-teen/teen years (perhaps even earlier?), I began navigating elements of depression, though I didn’t know it at the time. Sadness, disconnectedness, self-doubt, and self-judgement were all part of my normal day-to-day existence.

In my late-teens/early 20’s, I struggled intensely with what one counselor at the college counseling center called “delusional paranoia.” Whether or not there was an actual clinical diagnosis didn’t matter. Since, due to the nature of my experience, my mind neither allowed me to trust nor communicate about my experience to anyone, not even my closest friends and family members, I figured it was up to me to work my way out of it. I used my own made up form of what I later understood to be cognitive therapy - basically learning to disbelieve one set of thoughts (the delusional ones) and believe a different set (the one’s based in reality).

To this day, I don’t know how I did it except for will power and the sheer determination to know what was true and then to gradually trust that and myself more and more. It took at least 4 years before my primary and most frequent thoughts aligned with reality (and another dozen before that type of thinking was completely absent from my mind). This is when my yoga practice began. It felt the most like truth to me and so I made it a big part of my life.

In my mid-30’s, after giving birth to my twins, I had intense and immediate postpartum anxiety. This was right before the medical community started talking about “postpartum mood disorder” or “postpartum anxiety.” It was all still lumped under “postpartum depression.” And, since what I was feeling was distinctly not depression, I never sought out help. Chalked it up to being a first-time parent and a parent of twins.

Again, I sort of muscled my way through - sheer mental determination worked in the past, right? Wrong. Instead, I became more and more depleted, {barely} operating with an intense sleep deficit. And then, at 10-months postpartum I was diagnosed with a mood disorder on the bipolar spectrum and was put on medication. My yoga practice (as I understood it at the time), that thing I depended on to help me connect with the truth, no longer “worked.”

It was also at this time, not surprisingly, that I met and began intensive study with my meditation teacher. As the adage goes, “when the student is ready, the teacher appears.”

And now. Here I sit, seven years later, steeped in self-discovery, innerwork, meditation, meditation, and more meditation. I self-coach on the daily. I exercise. I eat foods that support my body and my brain. I have a specific daily vitamin/supplement routine. I drink lots of water. I say no to things that don’t support my well-being and yes to things that do. I question my thoughts and beliefs, especially those that cause me suffering. And I prioritize sleep over all else. And I’m able to laugh at how boring and plain and utterly wonderful that all sounds.

Also: I have hard days. I forget all that I’ve learned. I fall back into habit - even those so long ago uprooted. I get tired of working on myself. I get sad. I get tripped up. And then I begin again. With each moment, I have an opportunity to begin again. And you have an opportunity to begin again...to choose differently… to move in a different direction… to consider a different thought, perspective, possibility or outcome… to support your physical and mental health. It is in that brief moment, the moment of choice that lies before each decision, where empowerment lies. Where you can choose Truth. Start there.
 

Trusting the Unfolding

How I evolve in my own life can only ripple out into how I show up in the world. This particular segment of my own journey begins with the changes and growth in my yoga practice and ends (for now!) in my pursuit to help people learn how to live in greater alignment with who they authentically are and how they wish to show up in their lives.

I’ve been practicing yoga for 20 years and teaching for 15. In that time, I’ve gone from the curiosity and intrigue of learning about my body and my breath through yoga asana and pranayama, through excitement and allure of “advancing” through challenging postures, to the much deeper and more subtle inner work of the practice. This last part, in particular, has been greatly supported by my meditation practice which has brought about a much greater understanding of the Truth of inner stability and peace and has also shifted my understanding about the nature of true and lasting transformation.

As my understanding unfolded, I began practicing and teaching in a very different way than I had been. And, in all honesty, I began getting incredibly frustrated with the direction of the “yoga world” and it’s overemphasis and infatuation with the outer “form” of the poses. I realized that the frustration I was pointing outwardly was actually a call to myself to teach in a way that more truly aligned with what I knew to be true. And, so I did.

And yet again, I find myself wishing for something more: to provide a greater depth of experience for my students, to take them beyond the physical postures and form to the deeper inner work of the practice, to help guide them to meaningful and lasting shifts in their lives. 

I’ve been feeling this pull for a while but it wasn’t until recently when things got shaken up a bit (upon learning that the building that houses my office and studio space is going to be sold) that I, again, saw that this was clearly an opportunity for me to make that change. So, here it goes... trusting the unfolding...

Starting in June, I will consolidate my teaching down to one weekly group class. This will be enrollment only - so if you're interested in joining me, please contact directly at ellie(at)ellieburke.life. Beyond this one weekly yoga class, I plan to offer more opportunities for deeper work through workshops, retreats, and group programs, in person and online, that combine yoga, meditation and coaching. These will all be aimed at supporting you in your yoga practice (wherever you are doing it), exploring the elements of a physically safe and supportive practice, as well as teaching you how to “do” the yoga inside of the yoga practice so that you can integrate your practice into life more fully - as it was always intended.

It is my deepest hope that you will join me on this new adventure! As the great saying goes, the only thing constant in life is change. And, as I’ve experienced time and time again, the more we remain open to and accepting of change, the greater our potential to grow.

The Often-Blurred Line Between Easy and Right, Part 2: This Doesn’t Mean “Hard” = Right, Either

I had some great conversations, virtually and in person, with several people after my last blog post went up about the confusion in the new-agey world of self-development around the feeling of “ease” equating with “rightness.” And it made me realize that, for many people, their “rightness” meter reads more like “if it’s HARD it must be right.” Like, if I have to work for it, if it challenges me, if it doesn’t come easy, then it must be the right thing for me. If it’s hard, it makes me grow. If it’s difficult, I transform.

This mode of operating is most familiar to me since it’s been my approach for many years. As I reflect back, I believe it was an aspect of my personal psychology that was reinforced by vigorous, physically challenging yoga practices. Initially drawn to this type of practice because I was athletic and liked a good challenge, I continued because I believed that in order to create change, to transform (in body and mind), I needed to “advance” and the only way to do that was to complete the next harder thing. It was a very linear way of doing that could only progress into more and more challenging postures. Perfect! Sign me up!

As I learned more (through years of teacher trainings, workshops, and reading yogic texts), I layered on more thoughts that reinforced the belief that hard = right. The practices I did were all forms of Hatha Yoga - “Hatha” meaning forceful. By practicing postures and specific breathing techniques, we’re literally attempting to “force” the experience the state of Yoga. The Sanskrit word “tapas” (one of the Niyamas) is often translated as perseverance, a fiery self-discipline that is intended to burn off whatever is keeping us from experiencing the state of Yoga. Again, if it’s hard, it must be right!

So, I went on my way, navigating through many things in life with this mindset. And in many ways, I can see now that if it wasn’t hard enough I unconsciously made it harder (more on that another day...). This continued until I began the process of undoing, seeing my habitual thoughts and actions, noticing how incredibly hard I was making life, not the other way around. For me, this process began (and continues) through meditation and thought work (by way of coaching) - which really began when I discovered that NO amount of efforting or “hard work” could get me through the most difficult times in my life.

Skip ahead many years and my whole approach to life (yoga practice included) has been informed by my thought work and meditation practice. So, now my “tapas” looks a little different. Though it still requires a certain level of self-discipline and perseverance to show up and practice, it comes from a place of neutrally listening to myself and responding to what I need at any given moment, not from a “how can I make this hard” place. Instead of over-efforting, I work to see where I can soften and allow the space to expand. In that space, I have a greater sense of what feels right. And that’s where the feeling of rightness comes in…

So, again, what does rightness feel like? To me, right feels aligned. Right feels connected. Right feels energized. Right also feels hard sometimes. It can feel effortful. It can feel challenging. But all of that is tempered with a sense of inner ease, spacious, and openness. It never was a matter of easy vs. hard, after all. It was just a matter of right.

If you tend toward this mode of operating, begin to question yourself… In what ways are you creating unnecessary challenge in your life? How are you making things hard than they are or need to be? And why? Be curious. Dig under the impulse toward challenge or difficulty and see if you can find something else that points towards right.

The Often-Blurred Line Between Easy & Right

We’ve been told that if it’s “right for us” it should feel effortless, easy. It should flow like a beautiful stream. We shouldn’t experience resistance or discomfort. This could be true with a job, a relationship,  health, wellness, nutrition, exercise… the list goes on. I’ve told myself this story… I see students and clients telling themselves this story… and I certainly see it blasted all over social media: the idea that if it requires work, we must be doing something wrong. Or, quite simply, if it’s hard, I’m going to move away from it with the false sense that I’m doing something that’s right for myself. And this idea is so appealing because who really doesn’t want easy?!

Sometimes what’s right is also easy, and when it is, man is it lovely! But this is a misunderstood message that often creates more confusion than anything else. There is a big difference between something feeling easy and something feeling right. And the feeling state of “right” is what I’m most interested in helping my coaching clients access. Right feels aligned. Right feels connected. Right feels energized. Right also feels sometimes like it takes a lot of hard work and guts and determination and waking up and doing it all again.

Here’s the thing, when you define what you want, from a deeper place of understanding the WHY of what you want, it can take a lot of hard work, some serious discipline, some major discomfort, and some perseverance in order to make that thing happen. The knowing of rightness isn’t conceptual, it’s experiential. You FEEL it. Your “right” cannot be determined or defined by anyone else but you. And you can’t always think it but you can certainly always feel it.

So, take a moment to think back to when something felt right. What did it feel like to you? How did you know? And when did something feel easy (from the surface maybe even “right”) but definitely wasn’t right? How did you know? And once you determine the difference in those two experiences begin to prioritize the things that feel right over the things that feel easy and see what begins to happen.

Intention Requires Attention

inˈten(t)SH(ə)n/

noun

1. a thing intended; an aim or plan.

If you, like me, are involved in the world of mindfulness, yoga, meditation, coaching, etc. then you, like me, hear it all the time:

“What’s your intention?”

“Set an an intention.”

“Be intentional.”

So, what does “intention” actually mean? And why do we do it?

I remember, as a newbie yoga practitioner, being introduced to this idea that I could set an intention and “work” on that intention via my yoga practice. And that those qualities would seamlessly integrate into my life, somehow. I just chalked it up to all those mystical, mysterious effects of yoga.

At the time, I was working, full-time, on my Master’s degree in Special Education, while student-teaching, full-time, in a middle school for children with special needs. Almost daily, as I stepped onto my yoga mat, my intention would be to cultivate patience. I believed that what I needed most was patience with the children and their various learning processes.  And I would practice that patience by choosing patience in my yoga practice when I felt I was becoming impatient. I often only saw impatience arise when I faced challenging balancing postures, inversions or deep backbends -- you know, the fancy ones. {Side note: looking back, and chuckling to myself, I see now that even more important than cultivating patience with what I deemed to be challenging to me externally was patience with myself, with my own process, and with life, itself; forget the “advanced” poses, my greatest “work” showed up in the simplest of shapes and in the most uncomplicated moments that I had been bypassing in my striving}.

But what I didn’t realize, was that the ancient yogis weren’t mystical, mysterious, or magical. They were exceptionally practical. They lived with a determined attention, a willingness to stay attuned to themselves not just in their physical practice, but in their daily actions, in how they were showing up in the world. This way of living was explored in and supported by their asana, pranayama, and meditation practices. Intention didn’t exist in a silo and it certainly didn’t come to fruition without attentive action, conscious choice. We can’t expect that being intentional in our yoga practice will automatically keep us awake and intentional in our lives. Intention doesn’t come to life if we toss it like a coin into a fountain or think it as we blow out the birthday candles. We have to approach our lives as we do our practice. {Enter one of my favorite phrases: how we do anything is how we do everything}.

When we set an intention, we make a conscious choice. We are choosing to actively and attentively choose, moment by moment, how to be in relationship with life -- all of life. This is absolutely not passive or inactive. And it certainly isn’t based in illusion. We’re talking about real life, real time, real pain, real struggle, real moments, real choice.

What gets in the way of intention becoming reality?

• Habitual ways of thinking (which leads to -->)

• Habitual ways of feeling (which leads to -->)

• Habitual ways of behaving/doing (which leads to --> more of the same)

And all of these things can be attributed to a lack of attention.

Life Coaching clients often come to me because they’re discontent or unhappy with certain feelings or behaviors/actions and they want change but feel stuck. When I work with my clients, we often work at the layer of thought (often habitual and patterned). We work to interrupt at that layer since the thought drives the feeling which drives the action. And most of the work we do at the beginning centers around developing an awareness of habitual ways of thinking; understanding, first, that this thought is powerful and, second, that we have ways to work with undoing and not believing the thought. And this requires, guess what(??), ATTENTION. Conscious, wakeful, alert attention.

So, ask yourself: What do I need right now? What would be supportive in my life, from an internal perspective? And am I willing to consciously and honestly stay attuned to life and my response to it? Am I willing to remain alert so I can choose to align with that intention? 

You have, within you, the ability to make any intention become reality. You define you each time you intentionally choose how to be in relationship to life.

Q: What Can Courage Get You? A: Your Heart's Desire

I'd like to tell you a story about a courageous coaching client of mine (thankfully she's given me full permission to share all the deets). She's long been a favorite story of mine because of how much she dared to see and change about herself and her life. But she shared something recently that blew my heart wide open. Maybe because I'm a mom. And also because it points to the potential power of a coaching relationship -- the power of what can come if you show up with courage to break through your sh*t.

When I first started working with Quillin, she was in the thick of intensely hard work in an intensely emotional line of work and in a lot of conflict with the job and herself. She was extremely dedicated to the important mission of the work (in a nonprofit that provides services and advocates for victims of sexual and domestic violence), but also was recognizing how incredibly unhappy she was not just at work but at home (and everywhere else).

So we dug right in. We dug into her relationship to her job, we examined how she approached things - often being hyper-critical of herself (not doing enough, not passionate enough, not hardcore enough) and then working herself to the bone (both by the level of work she put in and by the negligent approach to her own self-care). What we also quickly uncovered was that although she came to me initially about her work and the resulting negative self care habits, her bigger and deeper concern was her relationship with her (at the time) 4-year old daughter. She just wasn't being the mom she wanted to be and she also didn't think she was capable of anything else. She fully believed that she wasn't cut out for parenthood and that she'd already failed her in a way that was irreversible.

We met for several sessions and took a break. We met again for a few more sessions and took another break. She dared to look closely at herself and her ways of approaching things, she sat down courageously to question herself time and time again, to bring to the light patterns and behaviors that she felt ashamed of. She showed up. Time and time again. For herself and for her daughter. No matter how hard or uncomfortable it was, no matter how much she doubted, she SHOWED UP. We developed "turtle steps" (Martha Beck's perfect term for incredibly small and slow steps that will inevitably lead you toward your best life) and she held herself to the fire (in a very kind and compassionate way) to take those steps. And this is what happened:

She learned to listen to her self (not the conditioned self she'd been so used to listening to) and to trust in what she knew to be true

She honed in on what it is she values in life and why

She found courage to stand up for herself

She quit her job 

She trusted that it would all work out

She stopped drinking and started including daily self-care habits that were unique to her

She forced her Old Self to step out of the way of her True Self, time and time again

She filled up

She made time and prioritized showing up for her daughter in the best way she could

And just the other day, she posted this on Facebook:

Ellie, I thought you'd like this... it's been a full quarter since I left my old job. I asked [my daughter] if she thought things were different since I left. This was her response: "I think you're happier now. I think things are better here now. I think you love me more now. I think I love you more now. I know I love you more now." They know, don't they!

And that, my friends, is it. That's what courage can get you -- your heart's desire. Whatever your heart's desire is, the only thing standing in your way from getting it is a boatload of stories that you hold about yourself that keep you from being who you wish to be. It's not easy work to unload that boat, it's not necessarily "feel-good" work all the time. It requires hard work, courage, compassion and (seriously important) a willingness to have a sense of humor with and for yourself. 

And the beauty of true inner work is that it ripples out in the most magical and amazing of ways. When we dare to dive in, we can change the world - one moment, one interaction, one person at a time. 

<3 E